Our last Christmas tree with Hans was cut in mid-December 2015. Usually, the spruces stay fresh and last well into January, sometimes sprouting new growth and even shedding pollen in the house. Manfred ordinarily cuts the tree and the children haul it home on a sled. But this time last year, Manfred’s knee was giving him trouble, so Hans cut the tree for the first, last, and only time.
For some reason, this tree did not live very long. At first, it appeared to be a very healthy and vigorous tree but long before January 11, which was the day Hans drove to the highway for the last time, the tree was dropping brown needles. We took the Christmas tree down the day after the crash, January 12, 2016 – Hans’ birthday. His twenty first birthday, which he celebrated in Heaven.
Hans’ Christmas tree is still out behind our house, on top of a brush pile next to the trail along the creek. His birthday presents are still wrapped and on his shelf in the boys’ room. Except for the Filson shirt. We buried him in the Filson shirt. We thought, since he was turning twenty-one we would splurge a little. We leisurely took our time at the gun store picking out his presents and trying to decide if we really should spend that much for a shirt. We did not know he had only hours to live or that we would see his face only one more time and just for a few minutes.
So, almost eleven months later, still unwrapped, are his birthday presents: an electric boot dryer, an electrical gadget that I do not know even what it is, and that other automotive thing Manfred bought for him. And the Green & Black’s chocolate bar that Noah got him, still waiting in the brown paper bag for someone to eat it.
His Christmas presents are on the shelf, too – the micrometer, the chainsaw tool kit you wear on your belt, the chamois car polishing sponge – which he unwrapped on Christmas morning when we had no idea he had only seventeen more days to live. But the Glen Miller CD I gave him he got to enjoy every single one of those seventeen days.
Hans does not care at all now about missing his birthday or about unopened presents. No, eleven months later (our time), Hans is joy-struck, blown away by the magnificence of God’s glory and by the wonders of His Heaven. He definitely has no need of an electric boot dryer, a micrometer, a chamois car polishing sponge…
…or even chocolate.
You Can Trust Him 
Thank you for sharing it all, Kim. The memories, the grief, the pain, and most of all–the hope found in Jesus. our Redeemer. God is using you, my dear friend, to comfort others. I love you. Dear Hans is forever in our hearts. ~Brandy
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Your words, just like your friendship, are a balm to my heart. Thank you.
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so sorry for your loss. you are blessed that you will see him again in heaven. unfortunately, my Lydia 23 who took her life january 29 2016 did not believe i in God or was living for him. so I will not see her ever again. this is my unbearable pain, life is hell, can’t wait till I die to be out of this unbearable pain
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So, so hard. Sandy, apart from the amazing grace of God, there is no way to bear the kind of pain you are experiencing. It is more than anyone can carry alone. I pray our Lord Jesus would lighten this load of grief and make you able to live for Him for however long He asks. He can do this for you. I am so very sorry you are suffering.
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Unwrapped gifts on a shelf…a picture of grief. But as you say, our loss, not theirs.
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❤
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My heart breaks for you. This is such a difficult time of year to grieve. My heart and prayers are with you!
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Thank you, Lynn.
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I’m so heartfelt about your story of your handsome young angel Hans.
Hit me hard as u said his present sits for my Family we have fireworks that our son Joey bought so he could lite up a child’s night on the 4 of July
Sadly Joey (paramedic) never returned from work that too light up the sky n a little ones face so they sit in his room waiting on his return.
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I am so sorry, Cher, for your hurting heart. Your son Joey sounds like such a tenderhearted person and you must be very proud of him. Maybe you could have a special night for some children that have no one to care about them like you have cared for your Joey. Children love fireworks – maybe you could bring them some cheer in Joey’s honor? Thank you for sharing your son with us here.
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Kim, your posts are so beautiful. Love you guys and pray for you often.
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Thanks, Renee. Your prayers are so appreciated. I miss you, friend.
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It isn’t easy for me to put my feelings into words but you and a few others have gotten it just right. Thank you so much and praying for strength for the journey for all of us. Blessings!!!
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Thank you Shirley for your prayers and your kind words. And thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It is such an encouragement to me.
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Thank you for sharing this Kim-I love how you say (our time) and remind me that our sons are joy-struck-helps me gain perspective which helps my heart hang on until we are reunited.
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I don’t know how my heart will handle all the joy on that day when we see them again. We are one day closer (again) and I just can’t wait! Thanks, Melanie, for reading and commenting.
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