Special needs, special grief

When there is a death in the family, the surviving developmentally challenged sibling grieves too. While cognitive impairment presents difficulties in understanding the finer points of the theological truths that sustain the rest of us, I believe the Lord ministers to the mentally disabled in very special ways as only He can. The Good Shepherd tenderly cares for all His lambs, right where they are. How sweet to simply trust Him.

A sibling is more than just a brother

He’s a playmate, companion, friend and caregiver. To the developmentally challenged, siblings become almost like auxiliary parents.

When Hans left us for Heaven, we tried to make sure Josef, our son with Down Syndrome, was a part of all that went on during those first terrible days. He went with us to the viewing and he helped serve as a pallbearer. He also helped lay his brother to rest as we committed his body to the earth.

Several years before this, Josef had been present at a memorial service for a local boy, and that previous experience gave us a chance to explain some things to him.

Things like what it means to be dead. Where the person who died is now. How Jesus is here with us but also in Heaven with the person who died. How they can be in Heaven and right there in that box at the same time. The truth that we will see them again.

We didn’t know it at the time, but this earlier funeral service was a Providential preparation that helped Josef understand later what happened to Hans. It was hard back then to know exactly how much of what we explained to Josef was truly understood, but he displayed no fear or distress and seemed to have a peaceful acceptance that the boy’s body had died, and that the real, happy, smiling part of him was still alive with Jesus.

I believe this experience made it easier for Josef when Hans died. He didn’t need the whole detailed explanation again. Just a few reminders of truths he learned years before.

One of Josef’s (and Hans’s) favorite read-alouds/audio books is The Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan. My husband has read this book to Josef many times over the years, which I also believe was Providential. Bunyan’s allegory gave Josef a relatable picture of Heaven and how death brings us there. Josef knew instantly that his brother had gone to the Celestial City and was alive and happy with Christian and Faithful.

Josef is blessed to have a younger brother and an older sister who are both important people in his life and I am so very thankful for the relationship they have with him. The post, Well Said expresses my thoughts about Hans’s role in Josef’s life, written in Josef’s voice. Below is an excerpt.

EXCERPT: Back when I wasn’t doing too good and I couldn’t talk and I wasn’t very much fun, you never gave up on me.  You liked to teach me things and you would show me one step at a time that I could do it.  I never got a chance to say thank you.

I will be twenty years old next month Hans.  A big man like you.  If I could talk as good as you, I would say thank you for being my friend and my brother.  And I would try to say it very good.

I can’t wait until you come back with Jesus.

Read the original post in its entirety – Originally published October 19, 2016:

Well Said

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