It is over seven months now since Hans left us for Heaven, yet I still get these illogical, unrealistic, untrue thoughts/longings/compulsions to find him.  For instance:

It’s such a beautiful breezy day; it’s hot and the birds are singing…

He must be out in the fields or walking along the railroad tracks.  If I start walking now, I will come across him on the trail.  He must be out there somewhere.  Maybe he’s napping in the sun.  Maybe he’s hurt and is waiting for somebody to come help him.

Or I’ll hear traffic on the highway…

He must have gone off somewhere in his car.  Maybe he went to Canada after all.  Maybe he’ll be back soon.  If I get in the car and start driving, I will eventually come to the place where he is.  I don’t care how far it is or what it costs to get there, I just have to go.

Or, it’s the middle of the night, very dark up on his empty bed, and I will look at the black and empty space where he used to sleep, and then out the window to where his car should be parked, but nothing is there but moonlight…

He must be out on an ambulance call.  He’ll be home soon.  I will just sit here and wait and he will come home just like he always did.  I will see his headlights any minute.  If we still had his radio, I could listen to the traffic and know when the ambulance is back in quarters, and then he will be home not longer than a half hour after that because it is late and they will just clean the ambulance tomorrow…

I must find him…

Preview or purchase 'Never Ceasing: God's Faithfulness in Grief' by Kim Nolywaika


3 thoughts on “Compelled

  1. Pingback: Racket – You Can Trust Him.

  2. Shelia Estes

    I have woke up many times since my husband passed away and look for him and then I realize he’s not here and not coming back so I cry and wait to go back to sleep, we were married for 30 years. I miss him dearly,but I have to go on with my life and it’s not an easy thing to do.


    1. No, not easy at all. So hard to adjust to our new reality. I am so very sorry, Shelia, for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story – it helps the rest of us who are hurting with you and missing loved ones.


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