You know they want to help you. They really do. They went to school for a very long time. They worked hard and spent a lot of money. You are in awe of their accomplishments and expertise. They do things every day you know you could never do. They Know So Much. You are thankful you have access to the best care in the world. You are aware that in another time and in another place, you’d be doomed.

But you did some googling. You have some concerns about your treatment. Some of them look you in the eye and listen carefully to your questions; you are thankful they respect you enough for that. They try to give you the answers you seek but you sense they are holding back. They seem…fearful. You can’t tell if they are fearful for you or for themselves.

Then there are the others. They look skeptical before you finish your first sentence. You can see their kook meter rising and then flashing when you produce printed studies for them to look at. They seem…threatened. And angry.

You respect these people. You really do. But there is no compelling evidence either way that convinces you. You find some information from alternative types that seems reliable. Their websites are a little dated looking and they all have something to sell. You compare that to the big-boy research hospital websites and your confusion grows. You don’t know which way to go.

So, you pray. A lot.

Then you finally figure it out. It’s not all this or all that. You are the CEO of this project. You stand to lose or gain the most in this endeavor. You get to make the decisions. You gather all the non-quack information you can reasonably process. You organize it into lists in your little purple notebook. You use up a lot of sticky notes.

And you pray some more. You ask for wisdom, for clarity, for peace. You cut through the overwhelm and narrow down possibles. Your lists become a menu of options. You pick one or two from this column and one or two from that column. You make your appointments and line up your support. You have a plan.

And then you walk inside, concealing your terror with a great big cheerful smile that says, “Okay folks, let’s do this.”