The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9
Death is not the enemy, for it has been conquered by the Lord Jesus Christ. He rose the third day, defeating death forever. Death cannot keep me from Hans. No, death will reunite me with him.
And distance is not the real enemy, either. Hans’ body, though inanimate, is here with us at home, buried thirty feet from where he worked on his car, in a spot of woods he cleared himself last summer. His spirit, though far, far away in the third heaven, is with the Lord. And the Lord is always near. Hans and I are together in Him.
No, the real enemy seems to be time. Time is irreversible as death. Like dropping an egg on the floor. There is no remedy for this. You cannot un-drop it.
Or like an avalanche. You cannot shove it back up the mountain. It does not care about your problems. You are powerless in the face of catastrophe.
For now, time is an inflexible law of nature. Clocks, calendars, and longing are its weapons. Time will not be hurried, cannot be undone. Time is non-negotiable, unsympathetic, is no respecter of persons. Time is relentless, unfeeling, merciless.
Time is what separates me from Hans. I cannot speed it up. I cannot turn it back, cannot un-do it. This pain must be lived through. Lived with. The anguish that is Now.
The finality is astonishing.
However, time is also my friend. Unlike people, it can be depended on. Nothing can stop it. Time passes. Time is temporary. Time is an earth-space, creation-bound phenomenon. It is stretched out and slowed for our benefit, that all may come to repentance. “When the trumpet of the Lord shall sound and time shall be no more”, our Great God and Savior will come for me and our son will be with Him. Time loses in the end and each night assuredly brings me one day closer to seeing Hans again.
It is the waiting that is so very hard.
But wait I must. I must not selfishly demand He come back right now. I was born in 1961. What if the Lord had come back in 1960? It would have shortened the wait for a lot of bereaved mothers, but I would never have become a mother at all. What if He had come back in 1994? Hans would not have been born yet. And what if He had come back in 1988? I was not saved yet.
I need to peek around the edges of this looming giant called grief and remind myself that it is not all about me and my pain. I need to stand up against the weight of this torrent, this cataract of sadness that crashes down on my bent shoulders as I miss my boy. I need to get out from under this drowning deluge of tears and breathe the fresh clean air of Truth; to open my eyes and see the sun that still shines on me, that has been shining all these months of sorrowing.
The Lord has business yet to conduct in His universe. There are people to be born and souls to be saved.
I had better get busy.