Revised Post: Compelled

Original post published October 10, 2016

It is over seven months now since Hans left us for Heaven, yet I still get these illogical, unrealistic, untrue thoughts/longings/compulsions to find him.  For instance:

It’s such a beautiful breezy day; it’s hot and the birds are singing.  I stand in the yard looking around and I think:

He must be out in the fields or walking along the railroad tracks.  If I start walking now, I will come across him on the trail.  He must be out there somewhere.  Maybe he’s napping in the sun.  Maybe he’s hurt and is waiting for somebody to come help him.

Or I’ll hear traffic on the highway…

He must have gone off somewhere in his car.  Maybe he went to Canada after all.  Maybe he’ll be back soon.  If I get in the car and start driving, I will eventually come to the place where he is.  I don’t care how far it is or what it costs to get there, I just have to go find him.  Now.

Or, it’s the middle of the night, very dark up on his empty bed, and I will look at the black and empty space where he used to sleep, and then out the window to where his car should be parked, but nothing is there but moonlight…

He must be out on an ambulance call.  He’ll be home soon.  I will just sit here and wait and he will come home just like he always did.  I will see his headlights any minute.  If we still had his radio, I could listen to the traffic and know when the ambulance is back in quarters, and then he will be home not longer than a half hour after that because it is late and they will just clean the ambulance tomorrow…

He is somewhere.

I must find him…

Book cover: God's Faithfulness in Grief by Kim Nolywaika

10 thoughts on “Revised Post: Compelled

  1. Kathleen

    Yes, twenty years later, I still look out the front door at night, of course by now, it is just habit. The first years, I was sure I’d find my son online. This is back when you could hear the connection to the satellite… this makes me tear when you all write yours because it hits a nerve

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Twenty years. Wow. I guess, for me, I have this unrealistic glimmer of hope tucked away somewhere that if it was possible for Hans to be gone in an instant and without warning, then maybe it is possible it’s all a big mistake and he will show up any minute now. The mind plays strange games sometimes. Thank you for sharing your experience, Kathleen.


  2. Marilyn

    I get it. I sometimes wonder why no one is helping me look for my daughter. How can they not help me? I ask myself. This comes with a sense of fear and panic but it passes and I realize she’s never coming back. I must look for her in other places, sounds, moments that make me feel her close. But every now and then I still look for her…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jennifer

    I too look for my daughter every where. In the sky , the clouds, the trees, and I listen for her in the wind. I miss my daughter so very much. So sorry for your loss,hugs and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I look and listen, too. The sound of the wind can stop me in my tracks. There is not much logic in it but my mind and my heart are just not on the same page yet.
      Missing them is such a heaviness. I am sorry for your loss, too. Thank you for your prayers.


  4. In the first year after losing our beautiful Claire, I’d catch myself picking up my smart phone trying to “find” Claire. (I was on a teaching assignment in South Korea)…… so very sad and heartbreaking.

    Liked by 1 person

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