I still get those moments where I just can’t comprehend that Hans is gone from us. But the difference now is the intensity. Those first weeks and months, and into the second year, it would just immobilize me – the pain saturated me through and through – I didn’t know such pain existed. Back then, I was fighting to keep my head above water and to just breathe during those grief waves.
But now, it’s like the main part of the storm has passed and the weather is still squally, but I am afloat and beginning to look around for a place to beach my life raft. I still hurt from the beating I got in the water and I am sad because Hans is not on the raft with me.
BUT – I know that Hans is on the shore to which I am paddling. He is waiting for me. He is alive and safe and happy. I will see him again. Thinking about that helps me to keep paddling.
I get tired sometimes and wish things were different but that kind of thinking just makes things worse for me. I still hurt, to be sure, and it would be very easy for me to spend much of my time looking at old photos and mourning what was. But too much time spent in grieving brings me back down into the deeper parts of that ocean of pain. I don’t want to be this sad for the rest of my life.
Child loss is just so huge. SO huge. The only thing bigger than pain like this is my Father God in Heaven. He has carried me through this. He is the wind in my tattered makeshift sail. And when His Son, Jesus, returns, THAT is the day I will see my Hans again (unless I die before then). That is what helps me to look forward.
Because looking backward all the time just hurts – I miss our old life. I miss our Hans. It HURTS and it always will but there must be more to life than hurting. I don’t want to waste this pain by letting it destroy me or my relationships. I want to use it to help and encourage others if that is possible because there’s a lot of hurting people out there.
What does “healing” look like and how long does it take? I don’t know the answer to either question. I don’t even know if “healing” is the right word.
Maybe the right word is living.
Give yourself the time you need. Everyone’s situation is different and “healing” looks different for each of us. I truly believe the closer we follow the Lord and believe His Truth, the less painful this road becomes.
I pray our Heavenly Father would grant you peace and healing as you follow His dear son Jesus into the lovely future found only in Him.
For our conversation is in heaven;
from whence also we look for the Saviour,
the Lord Jesus Christ: Philippians 3:20