Here is another short excerpt from my book Never Ceasing: God’s Faithfulness in Grief

It is the most trying week of my life—physically exhausting, emotionally grueling. I am thankful for everyone who comes to pay their respects and make sure we eat well. I am thankful for every single gift that is sent to us in the following weeks. I am thankful we were all home together when it happened. I am thankful we returned from our trip a half hour before the crash rather than being stuck in that traffic jam and finding out what happened to Hans while sitting in that long line of vehicles, wondering what the holdup was.

I am thankful. But I am demolished. Stunned and demolished. I am not numb. I am not “In Shock.” I have never been more alert in my life. I am feeling it, feeling it all, while not believing it is possible. And it is huge. Vast. Monolithic. The pain is so fierce it is almost beautiful. I sense it is important to feel it and not to run from it. Anyway, there is no place to run even if I could.

We finally go to bed and try to grasp the fact that Hans is not coming home tonight, or any night.

-From Never Ceasing: God’s Faithfulness in Grief by Kim Nolywaika